Remember the famous sentence - Love is never having to say you are sorry - from the movie Love Story? It spawned a thousand jokes. Some people believe that sorry is the hardest word. I place No at the top of the list and especially relating to unwanted gifts of clothing and unwanted fashion advice.
Why is No so hard a sentence?
It is estimated that you will hear the word No at least 120,000 times over your lifetime.
As a Baby Boomer child, you were probably taught that you could happily say Yes or Yes please without a second thought or the need to add an explanation. You were taught to be polite and not hurt anyone else's feelings. When you asked for something and got a No answer, sometimes you accepted it, especially if you were just trying it on. At other times you added that dreaded why? Then your parents or whoever explained, justified, apologised, procrastinated, fudged, lied or got angry.
That is how many of us learnt that Yes is a complete sentence and No is not.
With age and experience, you have also learnt that some people play games. They are desperate for you to say Yes because what it will be an advantage to them but not to you.
Clothes are personal statements of who you are. You can learn to say No and mean it without justifying or explaining.
Saying No is About Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are necessary so that you have control over your life and your wardrobe.
Every time you let someone else talk you into taking or buying clothes you do not want or that do not suit you, they, not you, are controlling your life. You may not see them often or ever again but they are still living in your head.
No is a way of setting your boundaries and claiming your right to determine who you really are and who you want to be. It is a way to teach others how to treat you.
Saying No is Not a Personal Rejection
People say No for lots of reasons. Most of their reasons are not personal rejections of you. Also, most of your Nos are not personal rejections of the other person.
Saying No honestly helps people learn that you are not exactly like them. They can then decide if they want to discover who you really are and that is a much more interesting person than they first imagined.
Four No Techniques
There are many people who will teach you how to say No.
Allan and Barbara Pease, the body language experts, teach a 'You are Right. But... ' technique in their 2006 book, Easy Peasy People Skills for Life. This involves acknowledging the other person's truth which is the You are right words at the beginning of your sentence. Then you add your truth beginning with the words but or but for me which asserts your right to have a different opinion to the other person.
William Ury, a negotiator, teaches a 'Yes. No. Yes' technique in his 2007 book, The Power of a Positive No. Your first Yes asserts your values. Your No respectfully states your boundaries. Your second Yes is an invitation to an alternative, positive solution.
Byron Katie, a psychologist, teaches an 'and no' technique in her 2005 book, I Need Your Love - Is that True, which she co-authored with Michael Katz. This again starts with repeating the other person's truth. Then you add the simple words and no to the end of your sentence without any explanation.
Finally there is always a straight and simple 'No' or 'No thank you' if that suits you better.
Do Not Argue. Re-state Your Position.
This is the key point. As No is a complete sentence, you need to stand firm in your own personal power and refuse to be drawn into an argument.
Follow these basic guidelines -
• Make your statement calmly and firmly.
• If necessary, repeat your original statement as many times as you need to.
• You have the right to say No without explanation or justification.
Last Words
Remember the words of William Ury, - 'If you can learn to say No skilfully and wisely, you can create what you want, protect what you value and change what does not work.'
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